Assignment 13- Sam Vandiver

     I propose that we arm babies. Out with the umbilical cords and in with the Uzi's, I say! Our American babies need to be safe from the bloodthirsty roaming bands of less American babies. The only way to stop a bad baby with a gun is a good baby with an even bigger gun. The arms training should begin after they can hold their heads up on their own; after all, we wouldn't want them to miss! The siblings of the babies would be the ones to train the younger ones in killing. In the absence of an older sibling, the most masculine child in the neighborhood would take on the role of teacher with a gun.
      I concede, however, that not all of our American babies will grow up to be law abiding citizens. To counteract this, I believe that the slightly older children should go throw a course that teaches them how to identify potential ne'er-do-wells and ruffians. Babies that act in behaviors that are different than normal American babies shall not be given guns. Instead, they shall be given spankings and Bibles.
      Once only good American, trained gun-babies remain, the world will be the epitome of peace. Any criminals shall be immediately put down with surgical precision. Nap time shall be taken in shifts, to ensure that no illegal act go un-shot at. School classrooms shall be lined in ruthless mercenary babies to keep students safe. Political figures shall employ only the toughest, cigar-smokingest babies to keep them safe. Executions shall once again be conducted by firing squads - of babies. Babies with guns will keep us safe. What could go wrong?
     Well, that or people could quit being so eager to kill other people.